45 books

45 books. Thats how many are on my shelf that I havent touched yet. And for every bbok I finish, I buy 3 more. Pretty stupid concept if you ask me. My brain hurts too much to think about starting a new book tonight. I have a real job, one that requires me to use my head. I have to read all day, thats why I dont want to read when I come home, and I dont want to write in my blog, which is why this post is so short.

Why the fuck?

Why the fuck must you make a big deal out of every trivial thing that happens in your life? So I decided to leave movie night an hour early and go hang with some paintball friends. So fucking what? You bitch about how I ditched you, maybe thats how everyone felt when you ditched them. Steve, Scott, Corey, Dave, they wanted to keep you for a friend. They cared for you and treated you like a brother. They were there for you when you had nobody. You dirched them on purpose, because they didnt agree with every viewpoint you had. That wasnt my intent, my intent was to see some other friends. I wasnt trying to make you mad, but you responded rather brutally, telling me to get the fuck out and tellling me I was "ditching you". How many times have you ditched people? And really, telling somebody to get the fuck out is not good PR. I dont feel like an ass for leaving, and dont worry, I will never make you feel like shit again, cause I wont be around anymore. Fuck face.

Finally an update

Yeah, I know, I havent posted in here for 2 months, mainly because I have been busy working with Glen and looking for a job. Well, I found one. I am a Fanily Support Eligibility Specialist. I'm still stuck in my current situation until next Monday. But I wanted to post in my blog and let everyone know I got a job. More to come when I start my job and see how much I like it.

Nothing happening

Um yeah the title of the post says it all. About the only exciting thing happening is that I lost my job. Thank goodness. Hopefully something comes through soon. That is all.

A failure and a loser

Thats all I am and thats all I ever will be. Before I go any further, I want to say something IMPORTANT: I DO NOT want anyone to say "get over it" or "suck it up" or anything else of that nature. My probation and parole officer job didnt go through. Therefore I am still stuck at this dead end job which doesnt pay me shit and royally fucks me up the ass. I went to the job interview, I practiced interview questions, I researched the job, I sent thank you notes (I HAND-DELIVERED them, along with my goddamn college transcripts) and what did I get? FUCKING REJECTION! I was (and still am) so upset by it that I started crying. It sucks when you are stuck in a dead end job, hardly any money coming in, college educated and still living at home. You know what? I dont care if I sound whiny or bitchy right now, its how I fucking feel. I completely understand how Erich felt back then, because I feel the same way. 27 years old, no money, a dead end job, and still living at home is not where I want to be. All my friends are out on their own, making it, and going about their daily lives and succeeding and I am not. Hell even fucking Delarber is better off than me. Anyway, yesterday when I received the rejection letter I locked the door to my room and started crying. My mom knew what happened, and how I felt and she started crying also. I HATE THAT! Her 60th birthday was yesterday, and the last thing I wanted was for her to cry on account of me. What the fuck is wrong with me that I made my mom cry ON HER 60TH BIRTHDAY? That just goes to show you what a failure and a loser I am. I fucking made my mom cry on her 60th birthday, all because I got rejected. I fucking hate myself for what I did.

A blog for the King of Quill

Quill, this blogpost IS directed specifically at you. I am not angry at you or anything, but I feel that I have some things to say, and I am going to say them right now. First of all, a little background information for anyone who might be reading over the blogs, who isnt aware of the situation etc. This past weekend I was forced to work a double shift because the person who was supposed to relieve me did not show up, thereby causing me to work 16 hours straight. Now onto the juicy stuff: You have always been the first person to tell me that if I dont like something I should speak up. You say that I shouldnt bottle stuff up inside of me. I agree with that statement. So now why are you saying that I shouldnt have told my job that I didnt appreciate working a double shift? You say I dont want to say anything that is going to rock the boat as far as job references etc. You know what? Apparently I broke company policy by staying past my shift. So if they are going to give me a bad reference, they were going to do so anyway because I violated the company policy. If you want to pride yourself on the fact that you took shit from Radio Shack, Convergys, LaClair, etc. then go right ahead. But I chose to speak up to my boss and let them know exactly how I felt. Why shouldnt I? Its a Mickey Mouse fucking operation anyways. I didnt "tell the boss how to do their job" although I feel I would have been jusitified in doing so. If they were so concerned about me breaking company policy, they can drive THEIR happy asses to the autistic guy's home and work the overnight shift. Fucking company policy my ass. They should be THANKING me for working an extra 8 hours. And I would love to see you work 16 hours straight, without a single break or a single bite to eat, and then be a happy camper. I understand the bind my boss was in, but they should have had someone ON CALL when an emergency situation arises. They should bitch at the person who DIDNT show up, not the person who fucking gave up a party and a good time with his friends to help their roody-poo candy asses. You know what Steve? I dont regret telling my boss that I didnt appreciate working an extra 8 hours. I didnt expect anything to change, but I made damn well sure that my boss knew exactly how I felt about it. And about the Marthasville thing: Maybe my boss did do me a favor by getting me out of there, but do you know why I wanted out? There was no cell phone service, no internet access, NOTHING out there. When I told my boss this, they said "Other people have said the same thing when they went out there". They should have told me before I ever agreed to go out there that I would be breaking off al contact with the outside world. The way I see it, I did THEM a favor by staying out there for as long as I did. Even if I did fuck myself, what am I losing? A Mickey Mouse 14 hour a week job. Maybe if I was making $25,000 a year, I might think twice about opening my mouth, but not this time. I am glad I told my boss I didnt appreciate bwing left out to dry, because if anything they know how I feel now. And from now on that is what everyone is going to see: A new Beaver who isnt afraid to speak his mind and refuses to let himself be walked all over.

Still job searching

I sent out 10 resumes and cover letters yesterday. It's not that I don't like the job I have now, I just think that there is something more out there for me, and I have to find it. The job I have now is not what I want. Since leaving Marthasville MO, I have only been working 2 days out of the week. I want something that is going to enable me to move out and start livin g independently. 14 hours a week isn't going to do that. So I have decided that I want something better and I am going to do my damndest to get it. You know what really sucks about the job I have now? The only time I work is when nobody else wants to (weekends). Now I know that this should be the least of my worries, but that really bites into my paintball time. Ok maybe I didn't phrase that right. What I meant to say is that if I can't make it out to the field on weekends, I want it to be because I am working full time, maybe getting overtime by working weekends, not because weekends are the ONLY hours I get. Also, I didn't go to college just to get a 14 hour a week job for $9/hr. Also, when I first went for this job, I was looking for job satisfaction. I wanted to help people. However, all I am doing is making them more comfortable. They arent getting any better as a result of my work. It's kind of depressing to see somebody so sick and messed up and know that there is nothing you can do to help them. Health care workers are SOOOOO underpaid for the amount of work they do in my opinion. So rather than bitch (ok all I did was bitch in my blog about this job but nobody is perfect) I am going to get something better. Like I said, I sent out 10 resumes and cover letters, plus I got a letter from the state saying they want to interview me for a probation and parole officer position. So things are looking up, I at least have a job, money coming in, plus time to look for something better. Hopefully something comes up. Wish me luck.